homesick / dreamers - artist in residence - berlin
The nature of home
What is a home
Is it where we are brought up? Where we were born?
Where we settle and enjoy?
Should we pursue a new home?
Can we return to a place that wasn't our home but is now after we lived there?
Is the new place you visit, can that be home?
Can we be homesick?
What does that mean? How does that make you feel?
Do we feel lonely?
anywhere you go you will feel alone initially
you need to put yourself in to situations where you will meet like minded people
perhaps go to group art class or exhibitions and meet some people
you need to really just go out to things and participate in things
you're in a new city and there is so much going on
don't just sit at home
im really scared i dont have it in me
Everyone has it in them
You've got nothing to lose
You're in the big city
the world is your oyster
take a grip of a life and push yourself out there, go to some life drawing, poetry classes, etc... just see what's on and participate in something you might not usually do
I said sorry to a girl on the tube, she looked cool as fuck, she had braids, a sick bucket hat and was roaming around as though she had nothing to do. She bumped into me and I looked around and she smiled as I said sorry
from homesick to dreamers
the duality of being homesick and dreaming leaves you in the middle. But the middle step will fall soon. You need to decide what one you want to step to, back, or forward. Forward is progressive but scary and daunting. Backwards is comforting, like falling into a blanket.
but like a dream, you wake up. can you live in a dream?
can the dream become reality, surely that's what we all crave. but what is the right dream?
it goes from incredible to worried, but the worry side is softening to practical decisions. do i want to live here is the question im asking myself. and where do i live now? when im at a party here, i want to live here, but the job market is different. I want to retreat to what i know. but if you think about cardiff, cardiff has gone now, its no longer a place that we live. the moment has passed. but when does brighton pass and berlin begin, where do you go after berlin, new york, canada? can we realistically live in these places? i'm torn, and its only 8 days but ive changed a lot. so much. its scary, i've done loads since ive been here and ive improved so much. do i need to crave my old life, i don't know, i wont want to look back
it makes you wonder too, people, they are more important than a place. each city you collect new friends like pokemon cards and magic ones stick, theyre shinys. we could have loads of standard ones, or you can put the shinys in a pack and have quality over lots of random people you don't know. Ive been talking to a lot of new people lately. and its scary but liberating, ive grown up quick. there is also an MA here which is about gender studies - and its kind of cool because that type of course links to my ideas at the moment. maybe there is something in that.
do you go back, to go forward?
or do you go forward and fall and miss the step you were originally on, so you go to the base
which is home
i need a beer
what does friendship mean?
its a safe place when things seem scary. Friendship makes a home.
ive been thinking
i like the idea of visiting turkey
for a week or 4 days or something like that
whilst im free to do anything etc
I know what you mean, even tonight drunk and pretty high, I miss those times in Cardiff. Can we recreate those moments? I know if I went back there out wouldn't be the same so am i missing the people or the place?
its about the energy we all had when we were there - the time, the feeling, the mood, what we were doing, we were studying on the same course, and it was all funded so we had no work worries.
but as we get older we try things and work out what we want to do. but these are just little journeys, its hard to know what home is if you don't try things out - how you want to live your life, what you want in life, and also, meeting someone, that changes a lot,
id like to think we could all get back to that creative element - even if its like a handful of us - a business, or something, or like running exhibitions - the lost prairie - were lost in fields right now - but maybe the prairie can bring us all together -
weve evolved and were much better now than we were then - so it would be even more magic
Just organise your time and focus on priorities
I'm so sorry to hear you have been struggling. But you sound very aware of how you are feeling and what you want which is amazing. Good for you for making a decision for yourself to most like come back after October. You need to do what's right for you And you'l know at the time what's right. Hi with your gut and make yourself a little bit happier every day. I bet the experience is going to give you something that you'd never if expected. Id love to see you so soon if you returned. But if you did decide to stay if fully support your decision. I just want you to be happy. It's hit a cop out, I don't believe in cop outs when someone is doing what's truly right for them. It's the worst thing you can do to follow a pre-decided idea or expectation. We set them up for ourselves in our own minds sometimes and then later realise it was all us putting the pressure on ourselves, as no one else even thought it. Let me know if you wanna Skype next week and we can do it after work one evening. Stay strong, do EXACTLY what you want every day, and know that we are here for you. All my love to you. I think you are so cool and so brave xxx
I think wearing skirts is cool
I never used to believe in myself, now I do
What's the point in going there if give up and come back
U can do it just get out there
when im at a party i want to stay
when i think about trying to work here, i want to retreat back to my old life
but when i go out to a party i want to stay
but when i wake up i want to retreat
when i go to a party i consider staying
when i wake up i make lists
when i go to a party i talk to everyone and dress up in dresses and smoke rollies with terrific australians
when i come home i don't want the night to end
when i wake up i feel tired
when i get out the house i am no longer scared
and now i want to try to wear skirts in public
when i wake up tomorrow, maybe ill wear a skirt
out in the sun with my favorite person
if you like someone, you walk up a massive hill with them, then they come back and they enter your life, even if your in different countries. The process of leaving behind your old life for a new one for that life to become old and then become new somewhere else. you enter a different phase of your life, but you collect people like valuable objects and keep them close from afar.
they are beyond material possessions, they are heart felt objects that live and breathe and feel and get emotional and damage their bodies and live in the moment and do everything they can possibly do in life because thats the only way, right?
i dont know why i put a ? there.
it is the only way for me to live anyway.
I was outside a petrol station, and I asked some man for change for a 50 cent so i could use the photobooth to capture how i was feeling at that point. he was maybe turkish, and he didnt speak much english. he didnt have the change, which was okay, i asked for a cigarette and he was looking at me, my lower part of my body. I was wearing a skirt and tights.
He said to me
"you are very feminine,
you come to me?"
and pointed over the street.
"no", I said
Kind of not knowing what he was intending.
"you come to me?" he repeated and kept looking at my legs and hips
"I'm sorry, no. But thank you" I said in a flattered kind of way.
"goodnight alex" he said as he walked off.
I walked off.
-if i could express my feelings towards you without losing connection. it would open so many things up.
its like were sitting on a box of magic but im scared to open it.
but i dont under stand the feelings yet
but i want to hang out with you all the time, because your well cute
and well calming
--it'd be cool to go on a date
---na lets just go to the park
----maybe we could hold hands
-----we could walk around berlin holding hands
------i think i should say this.
-------"and you can lose yourself, but id rather find myself"
--------what if i lose myself by finding myself because im scared of leaving the world behind and creating a new one
--------what if i never return to normality, define your normal, what is that? what does it lead you to
same lack of ambition
when i was on holiday i would always feel depressed
maybe its because i wasnt allowed to wear a skirt
maybe, my depression came from myself and i wasnt allowed to embrace myself because i was scared of reactions
That no one would have sex with me?
---i think shes cute
(but im just living, not worrying about anything like that)
just a thought
just because i dress feminine does not mean i think i am a woman.
i know i am a man, and i know that these are traditionally women's clothes, but i want to show that that is not always the case.
applying gender to material is quite ridiculous.
i therefore, look to challenge our perception of how we read gender, based on tools like clothing and hair, to discuss the wider issue.
everytime i wear a dress outside, i am doing a performance
but for me, it becomes the norm because it is merely a layer, that ive wanted to wear for so long
but always worried it meant i was something else, but I know i am a man and i do not want to be a woman
if we all wore what we truely wanted to, then mysogony wouldnt exist, rape culture would calm down and women would have complete equality like they need to.
so, it is about clothes, yes, but it is also about how clothing in society alters percption and therefore treatment of people within society.
society has the issue, were just roaming free
the question of leaving home and the nature of home. what is the last meal? in a city that you will no longer hear the sounds of. trepidation, the unknown that reveal themselves as time goes on, as you enter a new phase of your life.
--Went to my local pizza shop. I went to order and he said to me
I said, "yes please"
-dish washer cleaning job.
---its more of a sentiment :) less around definition. the definition is clear, and no one would be implying the meanings are the same, however, having that differentiation is potentially damaging. if we think whats happening in America - trumps rallying an idea of anti immigration. in the UK, we left the EU because largely of immigration (not trying to start a Brexit debate at all aha). If the parents of their kids started identifying as immigrants the older generation would begin to change their opinions (very slowly and maybe in low numbers) but its a start. i just think having a big differentiation in attitude instead of definition which is where a lot of the miniature conflicts seem to come from. were discussing an idea, rather than explanations.
i think its positive to bring everyone closer, of all backgrounds and this is a way of making a small step. I'm not calling for a group name change, aha that's not what its about. its used to discuss, and look whats happening. were talking, that's all the politicians are doing, but they have the power :) but this is something we all would most likely aspire for, i would imagine. so were preaching to the converted, its time for this discussion to reach the rest of the world i guess. but im a dreamer, and i believe in people, one day it might happen that we can make things better for everyone. one day
-----we are immigrants. i want to move to this place, so i am therefore an immigrant. expat is just a term that makes the situation worse for immigrants. if the younger people are all immigrants then were the same as others. the only difference between us and say refugees is that we are not fleeing our countries. but we are looking for something else in a new land, but its still immigration :))
im working on staying here longer
but i could be here then
ill know in like a week :))
defo do it thoo
Were making beds with newly weds, gliding through our mangled heads. Thoughts trigger an early rigor, there was something for us all to consider. Floating through the passage of time, before we know it's twenty to nine, twenty to ten, the room fills with feeling, like teargas in the doctors ceiling, the pink gas waffles around the room, it helps remove the doom and gloom, for a brief period of time the room unwinds, they enter a different plain, lost in our minds, I observe slowly, gliding through, arms beside me, grabbing anything, he tears the tights with his teeth, as they reveal legs underneath, insatiable feelings roaming around, she looks at me, then looks away and resumes the action, exploring the body, pure and passion.
When we reach a critical condition, the body winds to recognition, we could consider how we got in this position, but there would be no point.
As people act the way they feel, their actions, are loud and real, honest souls running free, I look down, and I can see me, I can find all my soul, my sensitive stuff, they make me feel free, I feel like me.
could b cold in lidl car park
its cold everywhere. Im in a vietnamese restaurant and it's cold lol
i feel like when will smith in the pursuit for happiness and he gets the job and he walks out the street and just says 'yes!'
im not going home
because I live here now
i completed my first shift and it seems fit to draw this chapter to a close.
in these 6 weeks I have found out what I am made of.
i never thought I would have done the things I now do, and my life has changed forever
I now feel like an adult, and I can take on anything.
I was homesick and i missed my old office, but i met people and then i did things, and then i did more things and now
I have done so much
I have addressed so much in my life
and now, I now feel like the world is full of opportunity
and my standards never drop
just like the motor engine running inside my body, spurring me on to do more, to be better and i am better
my anxiety still exists, but my depression cannot return
I am too happy
never think that you can't do something,
because you can
you just need to work hard
hard work is the only thing getting in the way of your dreams
from dreamers to home
from homesick to jobsick
to complete with securing another two months,
wearing the clothes i want to wear
believing in myself
i never believed in myself, and now I do
i never thought id ever say that
i never thought i would say that i feel invincible
but now i do
its been so so so hard
im crying as i type this
this experience has been mentally tough
and i really had no idea i was capable to do this
I am so proud of myself
and i like myself now
and people like me too
always believe in yourself and never produce self doubt
nothing is wierd
and you can literally do anything
you just need to jump out of the comfy sofa suffocating your dreams
away from the fridge and tv
its time to be an artist,