Ive given up a lot to be a photographer. Whether anyone knows I am a photographer is anyones guess, but this river runs deep. Its like that scene in Spiderman when hes bitten by a spider and suddenly hes Spiderman. Its like that with me but without the muscles. Coincidentally peter parker was a photographer of sorts.
I have given up a normal life to work with pictures. I have left my family and given up any possibility of having a stable life. I can only be excited by photographers. I can only ever be a photographer. That is my calling. But I do not leave so much to fate, and this 'destiny' seems doomed. If that is the case then I am forever in the realm of a photography, even if it works out or not.
Financial implications restrict my shooting time. I will always have more ideas than what I can create. I will always wake up thinking about pictures, pondering about my future with pictures. My son or daughter will have an immaculate archive. My wife will form a part of this everlasting love affair with pictures, the love combining, not climbing over each other for affection.
For what I've given up, I have not given up anything at all. My heart will always peak when I ask a question in a talk, I will always get a flutter in my stomach around other creative people. My blood will always boil at still life photography and I will always care. For this 'thing' I like to do, I barely understand, but it completes me in so many ways.
I have always referred to my camera as a best friend, as I nervously got out the car for my first 'grime' gig at a college with the words echoing "your camera is your best friend tonight". Said by my mum at the time.
It is a best friend that makes the world a playground, when it can so easily swallow you whole. The act is a defense barrier to the world around me. As Phillip Glass once said, 'i have a friend Don, hes a writer... His writing acts as an antidote to the world around him. He lives in this world, is that such a good thing? I don't know." I power phrase of course. But every picture you take becomes a solid memory. You can smell the smells, hear the sounds, remember the faces and carry the picture. The very act freezes time, but in more ways than one.
This love affair is never realised, never complete and is never truly happy with what its achieved. Its never satisfied.
But like the many great photographer, the phonies in documentary dress, nursing beards and picking out artistic spectacles. It is the ordinary people that are weird, nervous and anti social creatures. Nursing our deepest thoughts and responding to our curiosities.
I was called a strange man by one of my former tutors, Paul Reas, and its true. But this strangeness works with the medium and creates the best person I'll ever be. I can lose my way in life but photography provides the light at the end of the tunnel. Its a bit like an nonreligious religion. The belief that keeps us occupied in the world, despite when it doesn't become our occupation. Its the passport to a kind of realism - and detaches us from the world and connects us in a different way. For what its worth, it keeps me occupied for the time I'm here.