I had always seen the process of photography a grave competition between people, bustling for online space. I was angry at the events I would attend, the people I was forced to talk to each time, the prevention I faced and the opportunistic behavior of many people involved with such organisations. I became deluded. I needed space.
Although I was never successful within this field, I knew I loved doing it. There was an indescribable feeling I got when I would roam with my camera, when I would pick up my films, sit in the pub on my own and see my pictures in print form. As the edit develops so does your sense of the things you've seen. You remember everything you came into contact with on that day, that moment, your feet position and your conversation after. It is not about the result but the act of taking a picture.
For me it was all I ever needed to do. But something stopped me enjoying it. Something discouraged me, and it was the result of pictures that made me sad. It was the world around pictures, galleries, the audiences of art, the people you needed to be in touch with to get somewhere or make it in someways. I just loved making pictures of things, I loved it all.
Like time, the healer of many things, it gives a sense of perspective. I focused on something new. Something different. It filled the void and the act of drawing made me happy, when I couldn't roam around different countries on my own. It became the focus and arguably is the focus now. But when you consider the act of taking pictures, as the wind runs past your body in the middle of the Colorado streets, you realise that photography put you there. It forced you to get out of the house, save up and go and make something, to discover something. That, to me, is worth so much. And it becomes less about dwelling over past memories but working with new remedies for the future in some respects.
Once you're photographer it's hard to not be a photographer. It's built within you in some ways, but you do become more aware of bullshit, and I feel like I've been dodging cow pat the past two years, but the path seems clear from now and it's time to make things once again.