Ever since I was younger I always tried women's clothing on. It’s all I've ever known. Its so normal to me. There was a time when I was ashamed of it. I thought it would go away and I’d always excluded myself for doing this. But it’s a bit like a really cold ice water and its really refreshing. Your mouth kind of feels quenched with thirst.
I felt shame.
After 11 years of telling no one, I limited myself and caused myself a kind of paranoia. That I was the only one doing this. I must have something wrong with me, but I know I didn’t. It breaks free from the boundaries of life, away from work tasks, and focuses purely on a kind of role reversal of the people I feel like I want so much. I did research, Craigslist, trawled through the dick pics and focused on the people who would make sense of this. I told my friends about this beautiful habit. They accepted it. But I wasn’t ready to tell everyone about it. My friend once said, as I told him, that it was alright, normal, and if I wanted to do it with them as they were on a night out, or something along those lines. But I confined it to the times when I was alone or most vulnerable.
I used it as a way to set all the anger I would keep held up within myself. When I began to tell people they were more accepting and I no longer felt like the monster I felt when I did this. It was harmless, but it felt good.
I told more and more people, in conversation, sometimes not getting the words out. But got there eventually.
I have always had this idea that you can google ‘Alexander Norton’ and find everything about me, everything. But not this. As time progressed you feel like it’s not something that is shameful, nor did it change gender balance or preference. It just felt good. I know, like many others that it was not something that goes away easily, if at all. Its always there, but it confuses things. I felt like I wanted to work on this photographically. But it was not crucial and nothing ever came about. I kept it quiet. Never speaking of it again. Until this year.
I told people and it felt fucking good.
Now you could google me and know everything about me. It was all on the table. Nothing was hidden, nothing could creep up on me. And I no longer felt shame. It felt like something that was okay. As I find myself getting more and more involved with this, not affecting my lifestyle choices, I began to see it as a positive. I didn’t need to call it a ‘transvestite’ as it had connotations that I never intended to perceive. It was naive and innocent.
So much confusion, ended in so much bliss, freedom and overall self importance.
I knew myself entirely.
That is something that is crucial to living. To know everything about you, but then letting the people around you know. It feels bloody brilliant.
Ideas of taking it to a platform begin to emerge. Throwing away inhibitions and just doing something you really care about, ingrained in your personality. But not affecting daily life, you begin to realise the struggles women go through with the way they are treated by men. With no desire to be an object for wanking people online, it became a kind of experiment. And it explains how simple feelings are towards women. It made me realise that women are not there as an object, something I ready knew. But it made me think of the things women experience on a daily basis. Harassment and unwanted attention.
I put myself in that situation, but I became a better man for it.
Now only my future goals dictate my future and my past is a thing of the past that made met the man I am today, all be it, a very timid boy at heart. Overly emotional.
Through this process of telling people I made the step into a kind of manhood, where I embraced and encouraged every part of myself, without shame nor any regret, And so, on the first writing I have waded through since 4 or 5 months, I can tell everyone about this, and hopefully get people around me to also embrace every part of themselves. It is so important to know yourself. Without that you don’t seem to have anything.
Or at least that’s what it seems.