It's the impossible question to ask yourself. Spirals into doubt and creates genuine fright to your system. Alot of people never know themselves. A lot of people never really want to find out, and that's okay. I have found it my life's mission to understand it, much to the dismay of my own body. The construction of gender has a lot of variants. They are all personal but fit a constructive sentiment within society. Who are you, is a question that is constantly thrown at us everytime we pass someone in the street. If you seem different, feel different you are seen and perceived as different. The plight that comes with this constructs our own perceptions of ourselves. I spend a lot of time looking at myself in the mirror, not to see how good I look, a lot of the time I look shabby, but to see what's really going on inside yourself. And the eyes are the portal to this. We have a vessel. We have a spirit. Not in the religious sense, but we have two separate parts that make one person, you. The vessel carries your spirit. Your spirit is what people respond to. Some people connect via vessels. Some people connect via spirits. Both experiences are different. Society is set up to take the vessel as the first port of contact and we are constantly misrepresenting people as we meet them. We judge before we know, unless the spirit is particularly special. Some people radiate. And this can be down to several factors. Maybe it's to do with knowing yourself. If we know ourselves, and carry it with a happy conviction, why would anyone hurt us or even judge us. Human beings are always radiating feelings back and forth. We think were hard at work, but really were trying to survive our own battle inside. How much you get to know yourself determines how good our lives will be, in terms of simplicity. If we accept a 'normal' view of ourselves we follow a logical route and life is pleasant. If you know me, pleasant is something that makes me uncomfortable. But that's just me, everyone is different. If we begin to explore, and delve and take the time to know and listen what's inside us, then we take a rocky route through life. If we listen to our heart, then we are always ready to be hurt, in every aspect of life. But, we are open to exploration and complete self worth. You never need to impress anyone, because why would we ever aspire to do that. Yes, we can take care in our appearance, that helps too. But we can also, present a truly honest version of ourselves and this is the ultimate happiness. This applies to all of us. I'll just explain what I've found out through this process.
I am shy, I am timid, I am a worrier. I am sensitive and follow my heart not my head. My head usually serves up feelings that link to my heart. Through this sensitivity, I understand what my spirit yearns for, compassion and love. Adventure, excitement, all of these things that we want, that always cost nothing. I always struggled with masculinity, but always knew I was masculine. As kids at school around me were following the latest trends at school, I was skipping and singing les miserables to myself. At a stage when we were still kids. Something faded, into teenage years. Oppression, let's call it that. I was discovering things about myself that I had no way of comprehending, in the situation I was in at school and how life was progressing. It created turmoil within myself. I conformed. From the child who would always insist on wearing a bow tie and waistcoat to Sainsburys, had a bowl cut and said anything that came to mind. I found myself when I was a child but I lost it when I was a teenager. Growing up under a rock, I never really did anything out of the ordinary, played racing games, games of all varieties. Talked about girls at school that we'd never get, and with heinsight the girls we didn't really want. I always knew there was something big to discover about myself. I didn't feel normal and never truly felt accepted amongst people, because I didn't accept myself. Many years have passed. Bad habits enter and my vessel kind of destroys itself internally. But, when I thought I was stuck at open doors, I am beginning to make a step forward. This step was firstly letting people know that I crossdressed from an early age. That was like round one and it took me a while to step into the ring. Round two seems difficult because it's the last round. Just like I said to my mum, when she met someone else, she was reborn, to some degree and liberated from her older life. I am at the second stage. I am growing increasingly frustrated with gender constructions. This statement can be misconstrued. However, I say in terms of how we are expected to present our vessels to people in the street. Men are oppressed by clothing because how those clothes make us feel. We may not even think about it, but men have it easy when it comes to what we wear. It is, however, this simplicity that means that we are always invisible. Because we blend into the blandness of the buildings around us. Women, are under incredible amounts of scrutiny. They are judged by their appearance and are forced into shallow exchanges based on how people see them. This is the way society had gone so far. But both of these are wrong. And it is to do with self expression. How do you feel? What do you want to wear today? These are two questions we all ask ourselves as we get up for our days. For most men, chuck on some trousers and a t shirt. Put on a suit and be professional. For women, they have varied options and can express any feeling they have through their appearance. They are allowed to feel beautiful because society sees them as so. This is why some women do wear baggy clothes to escape calls of insults disguised as compliments from men in the street or wherever they may be headed. This too is wrong. When a man says that he is fed up of being part of societies idea of what you are meant to wear, he is deemed many assumptions. You must want to be a woman, surely, oh no wait, you must not like women. How on earth can you want to dress different if you weren't in these categories? You believe this as some people might mention this to you as you explain. A small amount might I add. People that do this know who they are by this point and they wish society would just catch up. If someone walks down the street looking different, they create fear, and fear leads to anger and a lot of cases, physical actions. Interestingly, someone waking down the street doesn't actually affect them in anyway. How would it? Because I enjoyed the act of dressing a certain way sometimes, I would shave my legs for example. I remember being terrified that someone would find out or notice. But I realised that it makes no difference to their lives. It is hair. It was hot one day, so I wore some running shorts, shorter than normal shorts. I was nervous. I stepped out of the house wondering what would happen. Let's call them, training shorts. Training to build up confidence in a field we cannot really know until we try. How can we know? I was born a man and I am a man. I am a man if I am in a dress or anything that is perceived as feminine. I am just, arguably, a feminine man. I am a man who is sensitive, I feel things, I can't sleep around because I want to hold their hands after, I don't perceive situations in a masculine way, and sometimes I don't feel like looking like a man should. Breaking free from oppression, I don't want to label anything. Why on earth do we need to? I am a man but carry a feminine traits. But these traits should not affect our lives in anyway but a positive sense of self realisation. Why on earth would it be anything else? Material defines us. Perception and judgment defines us. When we step out of judgment, we do things that we never thought we could do. We discover incredible feelings of love and compassion between others. And the only thing that stops us from being happy or falters our mood, is the perception from other people. If it is positive, it is self fulfilling, if it is negative it is damaging. I've had to develop a thick skin because a lot of this happened inside and never left my brain but I knew the outcome and I'll summarise it in one sentence. I am a man, but I enjoy feeling feminine through clothing or behavior, but I am no different now, than when I was seven years old. My interest and compassion for women and how they have shaped my life, drive me as I melt when I fall in love and feel with compassion. Maybe this is something within all of us. Maybe it isn't. Maybe I'm the only one, maybe there are others. But importantly, we are human beings and we can only respond to how we feel. Society betters when society mixes and feels like we can achieve anything in life, because, you literally only live once.